I need to get out every emotion and thought I have going through my head. I no longer want to bottle it up and let it build on top of past situations and frustration. Here it goes…
The lingering thing or should I say person is Emily. I can shake it for an hour or two but then all of the sudden she pops up in my thoughts and I get the image of her and find it hard to loosen from my mind. I wish this didn’t happen but I can’t control it. I wish things were just perfect. Not even perfect; manageable would be more than fine in my opinion.
I had a day today that I can look back on and think about. You know what I mean? It’s like I sort of needed it. I began just as if I was going through the motions I’m so used to and comfortable with but as I went on I pondered and pondered what is coming next. Holly Hill. Love. Sacrifice.
More on that area later.
So as I’m thinking I just feel safe. Knowing that there is so much more. More to explore. More to experience. More to life..
So as I sat in on some meetings with my dad and people he does business with I think to myself in (in a humble manner) hey, I could do that. I could take my dad’s place with enough training. Not that I would or even want to. Just thinking there are so many options and realms of possibilty that I wonder or dwell in. That’s big. Not God big but big nonetheless.
Anyway, We went to the basketball game and yeah, it was a good game with a poor ending in my book. We said our goodbyes to all the people we just met and sat with and took off down the street to walk to our hotel.We stopped for pizza at a place by the name of Gino’s; it was about the size of a half apartment you’d see in a big city but it was packed. As me and my dad were leaving a security officer clocked in and I wondered why a place so small needed security.
Is that what we’ve come to? It seems so. Sadly everywhere we look things are harsh and crude and just broken. As we neared our hotel a drunk homeless man asked us for change and we shrugged it off but then I was hit with what was to me the most memorable part of my day.
I looked ahead and to the right and saw a large Baptist church we had passed earlier and noticed about 30 homeless on the front area sleeping on clothes or in sleeping bags. As I glanced in sadness my dad called them drunks and drug abusers. I understand where he’s coming from but I didn’t see that. I saw God’s children at rock bottom. As we continued on our way I wanted to stop and pray over them all but decided to just pray for them in my head.
That was when I felt heavy and a yearning to reach out. The image of the church front is on repeat in my head. I couldn’t even see faces in the dark of the night but it felt like I could. Every one of them. I don’t know what to make of this. I believe everything happens for a reason even though I sometimes wish it didn’t but what do I make of this?
About four months ago I felt maybe I shouldn’t go back to where I’ve dreamt of going since I was a boy. Maybe I need to go to Holly Hill and just absorb everything I can from Rodney and lend a hand in any way I can. This was all before even going to Holly Hill at all. Never been there in my life and I was pondering moving there, Crazy. But the more time that past the more I felt called into this.
When I first got to Holly Hill for the first time I didn’t know what to make of it. It felt so weird. But when God to me to go for my second time it was like…I felt home and at ease. Going back home after the weekend there felt like going to a long term hotel. Still kinda feels that way.
On me wishing things didn’t happen for a reason.
You see, that saying to me is rooted in hope. Hope of tomorrow and the future holding something you think to be out of reach for the time being but still deperately want to come to fruition. Somethings I want to go away.
For instance, I don’t understand why Emily was placed in my life if just to hurt me? But then on the flip side I think that she still just might be the one. Yet when I am really honest with myself I feel bitterness. I want her to make a quick exit from my life for however long that may be.
